


Higher Love

by martinsharmony



Category: Depeche Mode
Genre: Best Friends, Death, First Kiss, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Grief/Mourning, Gun Violence, Inspired by Real Events, M/M, Mild Language, RPF, Romance, devotional exotic tour, real person fiction - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-30
Updated: 2016-12-30
Packaged: 2018-09-13 07:44:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9113290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/martinsharmony/pseuds/martinsharmony
Summary: While in Chile during an exhausting tour, Kurt Cobain dies. Through their grief and honesty, Mart and Dave discover what is really important.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This story is based on the famous night in Chile during the SOFAD tour that Dave has mentioned a couple of times where he and Martin had a "moment". I really wanted this to be a possible example of what might actually have happened...and what might have brought their relationship to the state it's in today. This scene is very special to me as it's the one that caused me to discover that I like M/M. When I first heard of the real life story, the feeling I got should be the feeling you get when you read this.

Date; April 9, 1994  
Beginning of South American leg of Exotic Tour  
Andy has just left the tour due to stress.  
Location: Santiago, Chile. Dave's hotel room.  
Time: Late. 

They had just arrived that day from Buenos Aires and were due to play Chile the next night.

Martin and Dave sat alone in Dave's hotel room. The tour has been long. They were tired. Andy had just bowed out due to stress. Martin was missing his support and friendship & was a bit lonely, wishing he could bow out too.

So they sat drowning their sorrows in alcohol, and dumbly watching TV. Everyone else had long since turned in. 

Then it came on TV: "Kurt Cobain has been discovered dead at the age of 27 with an apparent shotgun blast to the head."

Mart & Dave stared at the TV, dumbfounded, mouths hanging open. They had met him a couple of times and Dave was really into grunge and had a lot of respect for Kurt. They looked at each other. 

"Fucker! Stole my idea!" Dave exclaimed. Mart couldn't help but laugh at that darkly comic statement. Or was it?

They sat in silence for a few more minutes, listening to the news report.

"Hard to believe it could get that bad," Mart said quietly.

"No it's not!" Dave gruffly retorted. Mart raised surprised eyes to look at Dave. "He hated it! All the publicity, the fame, the success...you no longer belong to yourself. Everyone thinks they own you, wants a piece of you. I don't blame him."

Mart nodded in agreement, knowing what it feels like, but long since used to it. "I guess he could never get used to it".

"Why do we do it Martin?" Dave said angrily. "I know exactly how he feels....felt. And sometimes I feel like doing the same thing! Blowing my head off. Why Mart? Why do we torture ourselves this way?" Dave had a desperate look in his eyes...apparently ready to quit right then and there.

Mart looked at him, suddenly feeling responsible for Dave's dejectedness. After all, he did write the songs that drove the band. If he stopped writing, Depeche Mode would be over.

But he had to write. Had to. Granted he was not the most prolific writer, but something in him made him have to write. He had no choice.

Martin was scared of Dave's apparent resolve. Dave was crying out, reaching out to him for an answer. A reason why he poured himself out to the audience night after night. Simple adoration wasn't enough anymore. He had grown used to it, took it for granted even.

A thought had started to form in Martin's head. A revelation that he himself hadn't even realized until this moment.

"I have to..." Mart started slowly. "I have to write David. I have these things in me that I just have to get out....it's all I have. You know I'm not very...comfortable...talking about myself. I'm not comfortable putting myself out there, on display. Except, when I write. You are my voice David. If it was just me - I couldn't do it. I need you David. I need you  
to channel it for me. I feel like my songs come from...somewhere else. Like they come from God? Like my purpose is to reach people through you."

Dave stared at Martin. His words touched a cord deep within him. Suddenly he was brought from the cold depths of his despair to a warm place. Suddenly he felt as if his life had purpose. Suddenly he felt connected to Martin in a way he never was before. He felt his eyes well up with tears as the wall that Dave had built up between himself and the world - even Martin - began to crumble.

They looked into each other's eyes - Martin sheepishly self conscious about what he had revealed & Dave with a look of gratitude mixed with awe.

After a long moment, Dave managed to whisper, "Martin....that is the most beautiful thing you could ever say to me..."

Mart looked at him. It was the truth. Mart didn't write specifically for Dave, but he couldn't imagine anyone else singing the words that he poured out of himself on paper. Very rarely had Martin ever spoke his true innermost feelings out loud, but the alcohol had lowered his inhibitions, and at that moment he needed Dave to know the connection he felt with him, the higher purpose he felt between the both of them and the music they made. Hearing Dave's gentle reply and seeing the tears in his eyes overwhelmed Martin and he had to look away, feeling overexposed and vulnerable.

"Sometimes I feel like I'm losing it though. Sometimes my mind gets so fuzzy that I can't hear the words because I'm so drunk. What if I've written my last song? What if the words don't come anymore? It scares me to death!" Martin was on the verge of tears now himself. 

Dave felt his pain as he watched his eyes well up. He had a sudden overpowering need to move closer to Martin. To touch him, to feel his soul against his own. Dave looked away, but slowly moved closer on the bed, close enough for an awkward embrace. 

Dave reached his arms out around Martin, his body almost acting without him. To his relief, Martin reached out too in response...shyly, tentatively. They embraced, Martin moving even closer so that Dave could feel Mart's full torso against his, his heartbeat, his breath. Dave closed his eyes and held tight. He didn't want to let go. He was suddenly happier than he could remember in a very long time. He bathed in it, breathed it in, letting the feelings wash over him.

Martin could feel Dave's heartbeat as well, Dave's deep breaths. He was comforted by Dave's embrace. He felt good here, and wasn't quite ready to break it.

Enjoying the warm, strong feel of each other's bodies, hearts pounding in their chests, Dave turned and kissed Martin on the cheek. "I know the words will never stop coming Mart - there's no way, because they are so beautiful. Thank you Mart. What you have said means so much to me." It gave Martin a warm sensation in his chest. It felt good. He felt the need to be closer to Dave. He was drawn to him, to express what he was feeling but could not say. 

He turned to Dave and returned the kiss to his cheek...but Martin's was slower, softer. He allowed his breath to linger on Dave's skin. It was meant as a signal, and Dave understood this. Martin's breath caused a tingle to creep up his spine. 

Dave's breathing got deeper and more rough, he shivered slightly. His heart pounded. Mart felt the same thing...their bodies echoed each other. Mart looked at Dave with wide earnest eyes that contained a glimmer of want, a shade of dubiousness and a whole lot of fear, feeling the pounding of his heart against Dave's chest and knowing that Dave was feeling the same thing he was...

"What's happening?" Mart panted.

He turned to Martin to look him in the eyes. Dave saw Martin's anticipation as he felt his own, saw him looking at his lips, which he licked self consciously. He felt Mart tremble at the sight of this.

Dave was still reeling at these feelings for his friend and confused at what his body was demanding of him. To answer Mart, and partly to acknowledge his body's demands, he very lightly and tentatively, brushed his lips against Mart's, partly to explore, and partly to see if this is what he really wanted. Mart inhaled sharply at this, half closing his eyes and fluttering them back open again. 

He looked into Mart's eyes and saw pleasure, but apprehension. He saw his same feelings reflected back at him. Confusion, heightened senses, wondering if what he was feeling was real, valid? ok? Or was it just the alcohol and the intensity of the moment? 

Dave brushed Mart's lips again, this time with a little more pressure, a little slower. He felt Mart give him a glimmer of wanting to linger there...of wanting him to press harder, of wanting to give him more of himself. 

Mart closed his eyes all he way this time, and moved his hands to feel Dave's back. Dave felt this and couldn't stop himself, he tilted his head and kissed Martin full on the lips, not caring whether the reason for this moment's existence was alcohol, lack of sleep or the intense feelings he was feeling due to their intimate exchange. He didn't know why he did it, all he knew is that he was happy he did. Now he had something to cling to. He felt needed, connected, loved. All he knew was that at this moment, words could not express the feelings he was feeling. It had to be physical. 

They kissed deeply, unaware of themselves. They exchanged souls through their breath. It was a manifestation of the love they were feeling for each other at that moment in time. Martin's words had touched Dave so deeply, quenched a thirst in him that was as dry as a desert. Martin was feeling so vulnerable, revealing his deepest feelings, and then to have Dave express such gratitude made him feel closer to Dave than he ever had. For one brief moment, he had taken a chance and laid himself bare, and was accepted.

They were lost in time and in each other. But it eventually did end, slowing from an intense peak to light kisses that just barely grazed each other's lips. When their eyes opened again, they felt as if they had had a spiritual experience. Slowly, the confusion had turned to understanding. Apprehension and dubiousness was replaced with love - a higher love.

Yes, it turned them on - as was obvious from the bulges in their pants, which they each noticed and chuckled at. 

That was secondary though - and a mechanical reaction to their shared experience. They shared a connection now, one that would never be broken. This they both understood. It had nothing to do with being gay or straight, male or female, attached or single. Two souls who needed to connect touched each other - and it was beautiful.

From that moment on, Dave cherished his memory of what Martin had revealed to him. He felt he had purpose, and knew that he would never be alone. He knew Martin loved him, and the feeling was mutual.


End file.
